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Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:43 am

So I am now officially moving my holocron to here.

I am currently speculating if I want to copy things over or not.  But I will no longer keep up my holocron at the FA, but here.

So... onto my holocron.
I am now cybernetic.
At least that is what I am calling it.  I have hearing aides at 46.
I thank the US army and my current employer for this.  But they are awesome.

State of the art, I can now hear conversations 200 yards away where only yesterday if you turned your back on me I could not hear you 200 mm away.

They are blue tooth compatible and you can't even see them unless you look extremely close. 

But the ability to hear is so valuable.  I cannot express enough how important it is.  I did not even recognize it going away.  But there it is.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:20 am

Today, I submitted my claim to be considered disabled by the US Army.

My claim is based around two things, my hearing and PTSD.

As far as my hearing, at 46 I got my first hearing aides... which I needed since I was 40 but could not afford at the time.  Where my hearing is dying off, the real problem is Tinnitus.  I have a constant ringing in my head. 

PTSD if you had asked me just a few months ago, I would have scoffed at the idea.  Now that I work through the issues, I have found out this is actually more profound then I gave it credit for.  Their are so many things which have happened in my life that now looking back at them I understand them better.  Thankfully I am not the type who looses their ever loving minds... but I do have memories which will bring me to tears.  And the best way to deal with them is to get over fear of them.  So you will see me talk about them from time to time.  The more I avoid them, the more they can affect me.  The more I integrate them as what they are... apart of my life, the less they can affect my life dramatically.

I can expect evaluations on these to be scheduled in like 5 weeks... then we go from there.

The goal... I won't lie, this can mean dollar signs.  But more I am looking for the medical care.  At current without this I am fully covered by the VA.  Now I work to get my family covered... which would be realized if I can make the 30% disability mark.

Sorry for those out there paying taxes so I can be taken care of... but the total I have saved my family has ranged somewhere around $15k already because the VA paid for it. 

I will sit here and tell myself I earned it by serving and will utilize such as a teaching tool for my kids. 

Speaking of which, it came in handy as my youngest son ran in an election to be his classes representative... and lost.  So I utilized this to point out sometimes things just do not work out as we want but later we find out that this is because something better was waiting.  His heart was broke (he's in 6th grade) over the loss.  But I think he will do better now that he is looking for what could be better.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by David on Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:08 pm

I don't mind at all. It's the generations of recipients who cannot claim to be down on their luck or wounded from service that bother me. Take them for everything they have.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Sep 19, 2017 7:59 am

I am not a humble person.  Having said that, it amazes me how much people are willing to help me because I served.  I agreed to do a job and I would do it again (Albeit less energetically Laughing ).  I sometimes feel I am taking more then my due and when I talk to people about it, I basically get, "Then you need to get over it because you are due far more". 

So thank you for your perspective.  I have a hard time sharing it.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Sep 19, 2017 10:26 am

It's not very often I have an epithany so profound that it forces me to re-think a part of my being.

This mornings is one of them.

My youngest asked me if I would try to sell popcorn for him at work.  I normally decline because I have it in my head this whole place hates me except a few outstanders.

As I sit here... I have sold over $500 for him worth of popcorn.

Reality is, their are some who do not like me and they are welcome to such. But they are the minority... just well placed.

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Suparinpei

Post by Micheal on Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:59 am

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=suparinpei+kata&view=detail&mid=2F58ED1BEA3043727DC32F58ED1BEA3043727DC3&FORM=VIRE

I am starting to learn the Suri-Ryu version of this.  A very elegant kata, I was told it is taught to high ranking practitioners.  Dunno about that.  I hope I can make it look like this lady does.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Sep 26, 2017 7:49 am

My daughter has made it official, she is being medically discharged from the army with 100% disability.


In basic, she twisted her ankle... I asked her to go get it checked out but she insisted she was going to finish.  You see, someone told her if she applied herself that she can do anything that her dad did.


During AIT, they used that against her telling her, 'I bet your dad would not be proud of you" etc.


But when she twisted her ankle and pushed... she did damage to her hips which did not become obvious until she got to regular service.


By then the damage was too far gone.  They did surgery on her to try to keep the bones from further destroying her pelvis area... they failed.


And now, she will never have children.


All because someone told her she could be like me if she just applied herself.  And she listened to them... and not me.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Oct 03, 2017 8:05 am

Being a salesman was never my thing. However, I find myself over coming this as I help my boys to sell popcorn for their troop.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:00 am

For those wondering what I have been working on in my absence.  I am diagnosed PTSD from the First Gulf war and have been working through that... one of my recent musings:

So right... people worry about me.
So let me take some time to talk about what I am dealing with.
For what is described as PTSD... is a very broad umbrella to describe how a person acts AFTER trauma.
For me... and veterans in general... this is much different then those who have dealt with a traumatic situation not of their making.
You see... I knew what I was getting into.
I trained for its inevitability.
And I lived through it.
No one trains for the inevitability of being raped.
No one trains for the inevitability of being beaten.
So I understand when I speak of PTSD... some lump it together.
It shouldn't be.
I was trained to live a life where I could be sat into a foxhole and be able to pull a trigger and kill someone.
I was trained (though in hindsight rather poorly) to be able to take a life with my bare hands.
And after, am expected to live in a society which frowns upon such things.
As it should.
Reactions though are where the issue is.
For I can react unemotionally... being far more analytical.  You all have seen this in me.  Many have denied it, emparting their own emotions on a situation.
For I can react aggressively... being more inclined to violence.  Some saw this as anger... part of that lack of understanding.
So for me... the D in PTSD stands for Dissonance... not Disorder.
What I was trained to do... what I was trained to live through... is disconnected from how I am expected to live life now.
Like no jedi I am aware of, I can disassociate from my emotions to simply act.  Displaying what I need to affect an outcome.  Hence why I made the perfect jedi guardian.  Just never understood why I could do as I did... I simply did it.
I used to wear my cemetery like a badge (The term I utilize for the people who I have helped out of a job in my past when they decided to try to take mine away).  Now I question if it was really needed.
I used to live life like their might not be a tomorrow.  For I learned to live like that... being taught their might not be.
I have heard and have even said myself everyone should serve at one time or another so as to better understand their country.
This is nonsense and as a matter of fact... I think those who serve and had to fight in war should stay in the military now so at least their engrained skillset will match their inclination.
Harsh... I am aware, but still accurate.
And I speak knowing my PTSD is easier on me then many.
Hard to believe?  That's your perception issue, not mine.
My greatest issue is being placed in a position where I am enclosed.
Underground without windows seems to be my biggest trigger (and the VA's favorite place to put its services... go figure).
Next biggest trigger is alignment.  If a situation seems to align with a memory, I can flash back and be who I was back then and act as that person.  Right now, that is only briefly, at times it could last for minutes on end... so don't shoot at me alright?   Wink
Introspection is my guideline.  Connecting the dots my task.  Learning is my salvation.  Training is my life.
Discipline is my way.  And humility is my goal.
My life is kinetic.  Which is to say that I have accomplished a lot in this life.  No longer is my training to prepare for something... but to be in the now.  I used to train for a possible interaction.  I now train because I no longer look to contingencies.
I get it, this might not make my position understandable.  I do not understand you... I don't expect you to understand me.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Mon Nov 13, 2017 3:08 pm

So this Saturday, I become the VP in charge of DOH for the New Mexico chapter of CWA (Communications Workers of America... a union I am apart of).

What this means is that I will be in charge of my own team for when it comes to helping co-workers to deal with management within the Department of Health here.

It also means when something becomes so big that it is in front of the DOH secretary, it will be my job to deal with it.

This also means the union will now pay for my cell phone as well as give me an extra stipend of $100 a month while I do the job.

Not too shabby really.  Its nice being able to have an avenue where that aggressive side of me can be utilized to benefit others. 

Not to mention, the last VP of DOH is our current president... no one has held the position for 7 years... hence why its so easy for me to get it... DOH in New Mexico is just bad with its relationships with employees...

Also, I am being groomed to be apart of the negotiating team when Martinez (our governor) is out of office.  My goal in all of this union stuff.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:16 pm

At current, am fighting for two co-workers at a different facility. One to get rid of a punishment, the other to help them keep their job.

I know this facility and its workers... the one accusing them is affectionately referred to as 'a snake'.  So I am fighting vehemently.

I submit my response for them at the end of the day today... right before hteir management goes on Thanksgiving... they should not read it until they get back.

But the thing is... I LIKE THEIR MANAGEMENT!!!

They are just wrong in this instance... at least in my judgement.

It is also official, I am taking over the DOH portion for the union, so will start fighting arbitrations for the union... which sadly does a lot.

Just hoping I can save the guys job and get rid of the punishment for the lady... they are good people.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:41 pm

VA HAs returned back to me.  I am rated at 60% overall.  Much better then I expected.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by David on Wed Nov 29, 2017 5:54 pm

That is good. I've heard stories of... less intact, vets getting broke off with 20%.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Thu Nov 30, 2017 7:50 am

Two points:

Last night I talked with one of my brothers who has gone through it and is getting the run around, my comment to him was, "I didn't think I was that messed up" to which he responded... "That's because you didn't ask me!" Laughing

Second thought, I got lucky that from the get go, I got turned onto a liaison that New Mexico put in place for their vets who's whole job is to help vets through this process.  He guided me the entire way through and I will be honest... he is the reason I got this good.
Am now looking into if such exists in other places to direct my brothers towards... or absent that if I can convince this guy to help the above brother out.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:01 am

Micheal wrote:At current, am fighting for two co-workers at a different facility. One to get rid of a punishment, the other to help them keep their job.

I know this facility and its workers... the one accusing them is affectionately referred to as 'a snake'.  So I am fighting vehemently.

I submit my response for them at the end of the day today... right before hteir management goes on Thanksgiving... they should not read it until they get back.

But the thing is... I LIKE THEIR MANAGEMENT!!!

They are just wrong in this instance... at least in my judgement.

It is also official, I am taking over the DOH portion for the union, so will start fighting arbitrations for the union... which sadly does a lot.

Just hoping I can save the guys job and get rid of the punishment for the lady... they are good people.

I SAVED HIS JOB!!!

Fight is still not over, he is being suspended, but at least he has a job to return to.  So am preparing to arbitrate.  And am awaiting news on the lady involved... I hope they drastically reduce her sentence.  If not get rid of it.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:49 am

So to recap on what I am up to lately:

Karate:

Still teaching not only students, but instructors in Karate.  I expect to at least do this for the next 5 years. (which is what I expect it will take to get my youngest to his black)
GAH!!! I need to remember to create a flyer to invite some of my kids to join me on another visit to the local radio.  My boys went with me on the first round so would like to have others... but lets face it, 9:15 am on a Wednesday is not a time most kids have due to school.  So I set it up for their winter break.  Crossing my fingers.

Boy Scouts:

Am their treasurer now full on.  We raised enough to put all of the boys into summer camp this year which I did not expect to happen until after our next fund raiser.  But I got to give credit to my little guy who raised enough money to send himself, another, and half of a third on his own.  (With transportation from his dad as well as my work place).  The oldest son raised enough to pay for himself and to put a little extra towards another.

We are starting our next fundraiser for the next year.  The intent is to turn the troop into a hiking troop.  (We want the 50 mile hike badge next year)  So we need to get the gear necessary to do this.  Hence why the post I made on carrying as a workout... all prep.

And it has been decided that next year when able, I will be taking the classes necessary to be a scout master myself.
This weekend is the movie weekend.  Every year those who sell over $700 get to go watch a movie at the councils expense.  Last year no one made it... this year we had 5.  Next year I want 10.

For the summer camp, I will be going with the boys, so look forward to it... but am having to adapt myself to such for I am not necessarily the outdoors type.

We went camping at the beginning of December overnight and I froze due to poor planning on my part. 

Union:

I am now the VP for the Dept of Health in my state, so have a team of people to manage.  We will be setting up so that I can take trips to different parts of the state so as to meet those I will work with. 
The guy I saved the job of is currently on his forced vacation.  In the meantime I have people from his facility getting me data so I can accurately combat this issue.  I know what the problem is, and honestly it is about who is causing the hostile work environment, they wish to pin it on my employee... I will pin it on the lecherous Director of Nursing who I have video flirting and touching his new hires who is also protecting the lady accusing everyone. 

Sadly, I learned 10 years ago, when you have someone coming after you for your job, in the political environment I work in, you have to return after them... and if they are protected, you have to go after them to.  While doing your job to the best of your ability... it is normal that those who go after someone elses job are seldomly doing theirs.  And I have evidence of this that I will put forth.
I hate having to work at this level... I would rather be able to sit down and reason...  But when someone decides to try to take a job away from another... it comes down to who is going to loose their job... so would rather have it be the person not doing their job then a hard working man who is a year from retiring (he is 64).

I just hope I can do this without too many being hurt who are good people.

Personal:

Made a dog house this weekend for my wife's dog.  Rather sturdy thing... realized after that I made it rather heavy.

Fortunately, I had an issue that upset me (oldest had not watered the dogs that morning).
The adrenaline pump was what I needed to get it up a flight of stairs and in place... finished off with a throw of the old cheap plastic dog house into the lower back yard against the back fence.  Didn't think I had it in me to tell you the truth... but it felt good to exert myself in such a way.

Suparinpei is now practiced with Sanchin daily.  Glad I learned both of these forms.  Feel free to google them to have a look.  What you find on Sanchin though will vary and probably will not look like mine... such is life.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Jan 03, 2018 10:51 am

So today I get to go home early and bury one of our pets.  He passed away over the night.
The cat has been the constant companion of my middle son since he was 5 days old. 
I have a place for him right between our 2 dogs where I will put him down.  Neither dog will be able to dig him up as their chains do not reach... but they will be able to keep anything away from it...

I keep a picture of the cat sleeping next to my dog, the burial plot will be close enough that my dog cannot dig it up... but can lie down next to the cat like he has in the past.

Its really hard on the wife, one of the reasons I am so thankful for her, she expresses the feelings I don't but want expressed nonetheless.

And in return, I am able to make it easier on her by taking care of the body so she does not have to.

I will admit I am not looking forward to doing all of the digging, its 40 degrees outside and the ground was frozen over the night... so am hoping by lunch time it will be manageable...

But its one of those things which needs to be done.  So I will get it done.


Then Friday, I have a funeral to attend for the father of two of my students.  Both are nearing graduation age... so mom has a task in front of her.  Thankfully both are good boys.

This man was also, for a time, my doctor, so I know he passed away due to Parkinsons. Good man and part of the reason I have yet to have the normal Peterson heart attack we have normally by 36.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Jan 17, 2018 8:23 am

Fatal Conceit is the latest topic to catch my eye.  A book written by Friedrich Hayek, the term discusses a fatal flaw within socialist societies... 

I had to laugh when I found that NOTHING by Hayek was in my local library... ironically enough neither was their anything from Keynes.  More on that later.

The Fatal Conceit of Socialism is the idea that only controlled change is the most efficient. 
That letting people make decisions for themselves leads to anarchy.  The reality though is that as society moves forward, the need for information to the individual becomes more in need. Socialism removes this need thereby stagnating a growing economy.

My wish in reading this book though is not to look at the obvious thing... that being my preference for capitalism and reinforcement of that belief.  But in the concept itself... for another flaw of Socialism is the idea that one individual (or a group) can make decisions for another.

This deceit allows one to believe they are better then another.  And it is highly predominant in Washington (and I am sure those from other countries can identify such in their own governments).  That such an idea leads to stagnation not only in the individual... but in the world around him or her as they interact.

And god forbid they teach someone they are right... that they should be allowed to make decisions for us while we as individuals make less.

That as a species, we need to balance out our need to look towards ourselves with the need to looking more favorably at others.

Not necessarily putting anothers needs before us. just giving their needs equal acceptance.

And in this, I do not mean someone thinks they need a Billion dollars that they should have it.  I mean respect of another, not this incessant need to beat someone down just because we disagree.

For we all suffer from the fatal conceit when we think ourselves better then others.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Tue Jan 30, 2018 10:33 am

Yesterday was quite the day. 

Saturday I had the urge to go to the animal shelter with my wife.  I have been looking for a replacement for my current dog...she is getting old and I would prefer to get a dog who could meet her prior to passing away.

Well... we ended up with a dog for her... she has a 3 year old so is not due for one...but they bonded instantly and when we got ready to leave, the tears made it impossible for me to leave it.  So we got it.

She and I brought him home where we left it with the boys while we went grocery shopping.  Last we saw of the dog before we left was the puppy and my youngest out in the front yard playing and having a good time.

We went, returned, had a good night, then went to sleep.

That night was hard... but not too hard, the puppy was new so was learning the new routine, but nothing unusual.

Then the next day came the vomiting.
Then the diarrhea.
Sunday the poor puppy slept most of the day Sunday.

And that night, he passed away in his sleep, I know he held on right until my wife checked on him at 5am because when I removed the body shortly there after, it was then that the bodily fluids left.

It passed away before I could get it into a vet.  And by then I suspect it would have been too late.  Later we found it had parvo prior to getting it.

I took the day off to deal with it and I have to admit I have not cried as much as I did yesterday in my memory.  To the point apart of me kind of separated from my body and wondered what the devil was going on.  I simply am not that in touch with my emotional side.  I simply let it go.  Still didn't match my wife by any means... was just interesting to experience such.

And during it, I did not allow anger or hurt to come into it, I simply experienced the loss... and experienced it tremendously.

And to a level I did not think I was capable of.

For me it is an interesting study.  For it does not seem like it is the kind of thing I should try to control, but to just let go of.

All emotions have those instances when such is needed, I think we run into problems when we try to excuse why such should not be allowed.  But they also need to be contained to a certain degree.

I believe I am unique in the fact that I have experienced life in ways that have allowed me to experience the full range of emotions.  Where I would not recommend it to all, they are interesting to experience in their own capacity.

I mean think on it.

To love
To hate
To be sad
To be apathetic

All uncontrolled, all just let loose.

Now that I think about it, I do not think I have been able to really experience the level of hate I think I am capable of but certainly to a high level.  But do think I have experienced the others to their fullest... or emptiest.

Which I think is a difference between PTSD from war and other forms.  I have never hated those I killed.  I simply did not care about them to the point that ending their lives mattered about as much as the breaths in between the trigger pulls.  But I cannot believe I have been placed in situations where I hated others as I would think possible during say a sexual assault.

I cared after for certain.  But at that moment...

Off to self study yesterday.  Wish me luck. =)

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Jan 31, 2018 8:25 am

Throughout history and even in todays age, humanity likes to think in terms of the 4 elements.  Stone, air, water, and fire.

A book I am reading now made the statement that men tend to be like stone, solid, durable, dependable, while women were like water, being able to adapt to almost anything.

My history would tell you I tend to be more fire and earth.

But I had an epithany... we are all 4. 
We gravitate towards those things we find to our liking, but have the ability within us to be all four.  And to like them for their merits.


Earth
Dependable, unchanging, the same from year to year.

Fire
Explosive, changing, destructive.

Water
Healing, malleable, adaptable.

Air
Insubstancial, inclusive, light

One can readily look at these things and see how they contradict one another.  Hence why it is easy to keep ones mind in one or two of them.  But to incorporate all into one being makes one highly versatile.

We are told now a days that current men are pathetic compared to old fashioned men... reality is they both have their strengths and weaknesses.

Old fashioned men tended to be strong, yet had a tendancy to be abusive.
Current men are far more in touch with their feelings, but can't hold down a job to save their lives... and some reading this would demand that I make a caviot for them here... to save their feelings. Rolling Eyes

Would not the best man be one who could be strong yet feeling?
Having a think skin when insults are thrown at him and yet shed a tear with their loved one?
Who could stand to, defeat an opponent, then wisk him up and carry him to be tended to... or tend to him their selves?

And what of women?

One can make the same analogies. 

As a race, we have dumbed down the sexes to make them more malleable.  Which is sad in my opinion.

How much better of a species would we be if we took control of our own lives and developed for the sake of improving?  Being better then yesterday?

I remember a post on Facebook from George Takei who was SO PROUD that this latest academy awards was the most ethnically diverse ever... next sentence he want on to say that not a single white had been nominated.

That was the post where I had to stop following him.
Not because of his crack about white people... but because he openly promotes negativity and bigotry.  Someone read that and thought... YEAH!!! RIGHT ON!!! Rolling Eyes

And in the process were held back more.  Martin Luther Kings dream was for a day when people would be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin.  It saddens me to understand his dream has yet to be realized.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:22 am

The boys and I this weekend are going out on the first of many backpacking trips.
This one will only be about a mile hike... crossing two streams.
The purpose is to build the scouts up until they are ready for the summer of 2019. 
This is when we plan to take them either into the sierra nevadas or Yosemite for a 50 mile 5 day hike.
Spent the week dehydrating food (Am gonna laugh at watching them as they insisted on carting in stew for the weekend... glad its only a mile hike one way this time.)

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Post by Micheal on Mon Mar 05, 2018 9:52 am

OMG!!!

So... had a surprise test Friday night...

And am now a 5th degree black belt in karate.

Got a nice beating for that... woke up to my backpacking trip... then somehow managed to get home yesterday.

I am one physically beat individual as I type this.

Surprisingly... the boys had a hard time carting in the soup...
It was good for dinner though... then the one I forgot to mention before.  They also wanted pancakes for breakfast the next morning...

LaughingLaughingLaughingLaughingLaughingLaughing

They ended up with something resembling bread gulosh... It probably tasted OK with syrup... glad I had enough dehydrated food I didn't partake.

Set up a land nav course for them which gave me a chance to scout out the area as we were in bear/mountain lion country.  Thankfully no issues there.  They did the course real well, so all could get credit for it.

And finally, we found a grave in the area from 1846.  So the boys took the time to clean the area and pay their respects.

I told my boss this morning that if he had anything planned for me over the next week that required me being physical... just to know it would take some time...

What a weekend... life goal met that I did not even expect.

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Re: Micheals Holocron

Post by Micheal on Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:22 am

I am dancing my happy dance today.

In the near future I will be the proud owner of a beautiful Doberman pincher puppy.  I have had a Doberman before and they are such wonderful dogs, but I have not been in a position to raise one until recently.  Now I will only have such for the remainder of my life.

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